Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Napping, Legos, and Lunch

(This shirt is for sale on etsy and I seriously need it!)

I'm a writer. Whatever that means. I'm a person who expresses herself well through writing. I like to write. I've been told I'm good at it. All that. But you wouldn't know it by looking at my blog over the last 6 months.

Most of my writing energy has gone into naps. No, I mean it, I've napped away my posts, poems, letters, thoughts, ideas. My mind hasn't stopped writing, but somehow the idea of sitting down and writing it out is just not appealing. Maybe it's because I get interrupted every 2.5 seconds by a screaming child. Which is happening right this moment. (apparently the kindle game Aiden was playing wasn't behaving)

Or maybe it is that even though a lot is happening in my life right now, I can't find a solid topic to "blog" about. They all run together. So much happens so fast and as soon as I think "I should write that down" it's melded into the next thing and I can't catch it. And maybe a lot of this is because of the getting interrupted every 2.5 seconds. (Since I wrote that last paragraph I fixed the kindle, showed Josiah how to turn on the xbox, and listened to him yell and whine down the hallway about how it's not working. He is currently nearly weeping over it.)

I have heard a lot of people saying lately how if you have a hard time being at home with your kids in America you should stop complaining and realize how good you've got it. I disagree. Yes cherish your kids and don't convince yourself your life is a catastrophe, but it doesn't help to tell yourself to shut up. Staying at home with the kids is hard. Especially this day in age when our role as women in our society is so confusing. We need to talk about it. Not all of us "knew" from the time we were little girls that this is what we wanted, and now that we've decided it, most of us realized that we don't have all the tools we need to be who we want to be. (the xbox game is broken and full on weeping has commenced)

Today I had 2 lovely ladies over for lunch while Josiah was at school and Aiden was napping - ladies in my church who I want to be friends with. Ladies who care about some of the same things I care about - and our conversation re-awakened something that's been slowly burning in me. Passion. We shared parts of our stories, kindly listened, curiously asked questions, 2 hours went by and it wasn't nearly enough. We briefly skimmed the idea of a woman's heart, shame, desire, books and authors we love who talk about the same things, and a hope so bright and warm sprang up in me that I immediately began to fear and feel insecure and full of self doubt. Another part of a woman's heart. I know I'm not alone. I wouldn't be surprised if they felt twinges of the same as their day went on.

We have all been disappointed by life and people and find ways to kill the hope in our hearts because we have felt exposed and betrayed by it.

I came home from picking up Josiah from school and felt so uncomfortable in my skin and tired and like 4 years of sobriety hadn't happened and alcohol was the only thing that would make me feel okay again. I felt frustrated that even though I have forged character in this area, the craving could come back with such force. I knew a battle was raging, and I knew I needed to step in and fight it. So I took a nap.

I laid down on the couch and while sesame street and blues clues entertained my boys (sort of) and Aiden jumped on me, hugged me, or threw legos at my head. I dozed and hid and felt so tired of being so tired. I wrote a blog post in my head (I never remember them, but when that happens I know I need to get on my computer) while I tried to go back to sleep until Bill got home. I just wanted to be numb.

I'm not mad at myself for doing that. I think the best thing to do for yourself is the kindest thing. However, kind and self indulgent aren't the same thing. Kind and lazy aren't the same. Kind and irresponsible aren't the same. You get the picture. I'm still learning to decipher which is which when I'm in the moment.

(Bill is now home from work and the bedroom door is closed, hallelujah)
While I was pretend napping/getting pummeled by my sweet boys (who need to brush their teeth!) I was thinking about how I need to end this napping away my thoughts and words problem. I need to find a way to express my heart and process even though the interruptions come in full force as soon as I grab my laptop. I might not even get to say what I want to say. I might not get a publishable post but I will have honored the fact that I have something to say.

I remembered a little bit of who I am with those ladies today. I remembered that I am passionate and curious and have thoughts to share. I felt a little more alive than I have in a long time. Maybe in moving this summer I earned myself a 6 month long nap, maybe it was the kindest thing I could have done for myself. But I think it's over now, and I feel good about that. I'm ready to be awake.